things have been eventful, yet they don’t really feel that way. everything’s a blur, but not really in a bad way. i’ve definitely been in a strange “funk” as my mother would call it — just kind of inverted, apathetic, disaffected. i don’t know. i guess i’m trying to avoid the word depressed, but it’s so pithy for me to flat out state that. i think people can tell when they look at me at work and stuff. i feel like my life is all about me doing things because i have to, because i have to be responsible. everything is about “getting it over with” — not about enjoying it.
october of last year, 2011, i was dating someone pretty regularly for the first time in my life, and he was (and is) an alcoholic. i remember i drank pretty much every day for several months. i was a mess, but i was so caught up in this delusion with him. i put a lot of effort into the relationship, everything was my input. he gave nothing in return except for a few memories i really do cherish. i was really sad and strange back then. i didn’t realize it at the time. i wish it never happened, i wish i never pursued him. i was determined because he made it difficult. back then it was fun and intriguing, now it’s repulsive to me and i really hate him. he dropped me like i was nothing to him and he avoids me. i feel stupid for believing this guy was worth anyone’s time, let alone mine. he still lives here and has a pathetic job living with a roommate even though he’s in his thirties. oh well, good for him i guess. my purpose is not to build a relationship with a guy that is pathetic and emotionally absent. no way. of course. i’m just glad i am confident with these notions — now more than ever.
i am not one of those “boy crazy” people to begin with. i used to be. but it was because i was trying to figure out how to go about delving into a successful, healthy homosexual relationship. my whole life i’ve been so internal, so submersed in my own private world — a private world that is safe and familiar. yet isolating and perpetually lonely. it’s ultimately become a major part of my developed identity at 23. i’ve accepted being single immensely, it’s almost a personal revolution for myself.
i’ve always struggled with self-confidence & always being self-conscious. i’ve felt that stuff wither away and i’m glad for that. i can now say: i am a catch. there’s no “league” that i’m out of. i hate the baseball game metaphor, but it’s true. i’m damn lucky that i’m not gay and conventionally unattractive, because that would really give me something to complain about. no, i like myself. i like how i look. i am comfortable with both. i feel like i could have any fucking guy i wanted, but i don’t choose the easiness of that like a lot of shallow stupid people do. i am also not selective to the point of stubborn or superior. i am just open, available, unaffected by any negative perceptions.
my bedroom is my territory that serves as a sanctuary for me to be my pure self. i don’t get to do that anywhere else. i love having a queen-size bed. at first it was weird having so much space, but now it’s just great. i appreciate it.
i really hope i get tired soon… i still stay up late like a freshman in college or something. i hope i connect with people on wordpress and start following me, etc. so, yeah. i will remain active with this and do as many updates as possible. xx