conscious/unconscious

things have been eventful, yet they don’t really feel that way.  everything’s a blur, but not really in a bad way.  i’ve definitely been in a strange “funk” as my mother would call it — just kind of inverted, apathetic, disaffected.  i don’t know.  i guess i’m trying to avoid the word depressed, but it’s so pithy for me to flat out state that.  i think people can tell when they look at me at work and stuff.  i feel like my life is all about me doing things because i have to, because i have to be responsible.  everything is about “getting it over with” — not about enjoying it.

october of last year, 2011, i was dating someone pretty regularly for the first time in my life, and he was (and is) an alcoholic.  i remember i drank pretty much every day for several months.  i was a mess, but i was so caught up in this delusion with him.  i put a lot of effort into the relationship, everything was my input.  he gave nothing in return except for a few memories i really do cherish.  i was really sad and strange back then.  i didn’t realize it at the time.  i wish it never happened, i wish i never pursued him.  i was determined because he made it difficult.  back then it was fun and intriguing, now it’s repulsive to me and i really hate him.  he dropped me like i was nothing to him and he avoids me.  i feel stupid for believing this guy was worth anyone’s time, let alone mine.  he still lives here and has a pathetic job living with a roommate even though he’s in his thirties.  oh well, good for him i guess.  my purpose is not to build a relationship with a guy that is pathetic and emotionally absent.  no way.  of course.  i’m just glad i am confident with these notions — now more than ever.

i am not one of those “boy crazy” people to begin with.  i used to be.  but it was because i was trying to figure out how to go about delving into a successful, healthy homosexual relationship.  my whole life i’ve been so internal, so submersed in my own private world — a private world that is safe and familiar.  yet isolating and perpetually lonely.  it’s ultimately become a major part of my developed identity at 23.  i’ve accepted being single immensely, it’s almost a personal revolution for myself.

i’ve always struggled with self-confidence & always being self-conscious.  i’ve felt that stuff wither away and i’m glad for that.  i can now say: i am a catch.  there’s no “league” that i’m out of.  i hate the baseball game metaphor, but it’s true.  i’m damn lucky that i’m not gay and conventionally unattractive, because that would really give me something to complain about.  no, i like myself.  i like how i look.  i am comfortable with both.  i feel like i could have any fucking guy i wanted, but i don’t choose the easiness of that like a lot of shallow stupid people do.  i am also not selective to the point of stubborn or superior.  i am just open, available, unaffected by any negative perceptions.

my bedroom is my territory that serves as a sanctuary for me to be my pure self.  i don’t get to do that anywhere else.  i love having a queen-size bed.  at first it was weird having so much space, but now it’s just great.  i appreciate it.

i really hope i get tired soon… i still stay up late like a freshman in college or something.  i hope i connect with people on wordpress and start following me, etc.  so, yeah.  i will remain active with this and do as many updates as possible.  xx

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