left alone

going through a rough patch.  my mood has been incredibly unstable lately, so i’ve been pretty disrupted by that to say the least.  i had to leave work early today because i felt a complete inability to manage and now i feel guilty.  i just wish i had stayed.  i know it’s petty, but now i’m going to get in trouble or whatever due to attendance issues.  my body was just physically rejecting my presence there.  my medication is not really doing much anymore, i hardly even expect anything from it these days.  i had a totally positive day yesterday — but today was like a hard crash, and i don’t know what triggered it.  i never do.  it’s frustrating because it’s effecting everything.  i find it so difficult to concentrate sometimes that it’s almost like i feel like i’m on a drug or something because i cannot comprehend anything at all.  and with the job i have — that’s quite unfortunate.  i came home and just laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, restless, wiry, my mind racing a thousand miles a minute.

things are getting worse because there are times where i literally cannot collect myself and calm down.  i can’t even do yoga or meditations anymore because they’re impossible to get through.  no sense of focus, no sense of the present moment, everything is just enhanced from the intensity of my inner craziness.  maybe i am crazy.  sometimes i truly consider it.  bipolar disorder is extremely misunderstood and every day is a battle against the world’s misconceptions of what the disorder is — it’s a mood disorder that can appear to be many different things.  if only people knew this fact about me, it would be much easier for me to communicate my issues with them, and for them to take me more seriously.  everyone treats me like i am constantly in an over-dramatized state because i like the attention, i guess.  for me, it’s the pits of hell, for others it’s dramatic behavior.

i can tell when my moods are out of whack when i feel so fucking restless — the restlessness is unbearable at times.  i’m run-down, skinnier than i’ve ever been, stressed, and over-exerted from too much running/jogging.  running is the only activity i can keep up with even in the darkest depths of my depressive state (that i try to not even acknowledge, but whatever.) and it’s really great at the time — but afterwards i am totally run-down.  i’m pretty much a wreck, but it’s nothing i haven’t endured before.

truthfully — the plain and simple truth is that i’m just not satisfied with really any aspect of my life.  everything feels derivative of some sort of monstrous mistake i’ve made.  i feel like i’m constantly punishing myself for taking the wrong turn and winding up where i am now, which is totally lost and dissociated from my true personal vision.  i don’t mean to sound like my life is this insufferable mess comparable to the dregs of society or something, but it’s really unsatisfying to be living a life that feels so forced, contrived, and stupid.  of course, i try to learn from my mistakes, but instead i do the opposite and just expand on my mistakes — and then i become impulsive, wreckless, and inconsiderate of my own emotional integrity.  i know something’s gotta change, i know that.  i’m extremely self-aware, and i look out for myself.  i have no idea what to do in order to cause a positive change, though.  i don’t know what trajectory to pursue.  i don’t know what kind of job i want, or could even tolerate.  i don’t know what my next step should be.  i’m clueless to my future — whereas before my aspirations were so strong, confident, and motivating.  now i feel like everything is a delusion that i’ve created.  i have to figure out my job situation quickly.  very quickly.  it’s disintegrating and i’m beginning to just lose my shit.  but, without an income, i obviously can’t support myself, and i’d have to do something unpractical and backwards like move back in with my dad.

i know it’s common to be 23 and directionless, but man.  i’ve never had the slightest fucking clue that decisions and goals would be this… disappointing.  the disappointment is harrowing.

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