TASTE MY GAME: a poetry collection — Preamble-ramble/Intro.

First thing’s first: Here are 10 (ten) finished poems from a collection I’ve just finally rendered enough to end.  Concision, as a concept when writing, is vital, and you must make it the first priority before publication — so here, I’ve done my best.  Mostly everything from this collection is derived from many individual poems I’ve written over the past two years.  Lots of fine-tuning and reinvention went into these pieces & made them what they are right now.  I am excited to share from this collection in particular.  This collection is titled “TASTE MY GAME — a poetry collection — City Boy is Dead” — which is somewhat of an end/death to my previous poems called “City Boys” which thematically explore the nightlife of several Midwest cities I’ve experienced crazy nights in (Kansas City, St. Louis, Chicago, Minneapolis.)

Settings are not specified, the tone is amoral, settings interchangeable.  Key elements to these pieces include postmodernism, masculinity, casual sex, homo-eroticism, and apathy/passivity conveyed during the tender twenties.  Confessional mode/freestyle is the easiest categorization for my style  — I don’t follow any strict regimen for writing these.  My style of writing is very much influenced by musings of my favorite writers: Bret Easton Ellis, Kim Addonizio, Anne Sexton, Sylvia Plath, and Federico Garcia Lorca.  The lyrics of Fiona Apple inspire me to write altogether — nothing else influences me creatively as she does — she is my favorite artist.
All of my material on here is Copyright ©2012 Samuel Swayne.  My work is vulnerable on this site, I know, but please do not re-blog or reiterate these poems in any way without contacting me first. 

SO, LET’S BEGIN:
the city boy was found dead last night, right after the club closed.
But, we do have good news – there’s significant evidence
that he put up a good, clean fight.
he’s still in his party clothes & faintly reeks of cologne
and whiskey sours.
Yes, we checked; wallet and keys intact.
We’ve assessed that he was likely en route
to a kind of sexual odyssey with boys in black underwear
all of whom were known as good kissers —
just what city boy was always known for.

Leave him to rest in peace, but let me warn you –
he’ll prove you dead wrong &
Resurrect – drunk as hell but still good as new – for just one more night.

We’ve all agreed – on his gravestone we’ll write:
“leave me here so’s I can surrender to my godforsaken
apathy which worthlessness caught me, quickly, and
with my last threads of romance I tried to win over its struggle
in a battle I didn’t battle, but instead, lost — in a good, clean fight –
I want nothing more than to be left for dead under the
blinking red lights and nearby noises in my beloved city night.”

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conscious/unconscious

things have been eventful, yet they don’t really feel that way.  everything’s a blur, but not really in a bad way.  i’ve definitely been in a strange “funk” as my mother would call it — just kind of inverted, apathetic, disaffected.  i don’t know.  i guess i’m trying to avoid the word depressed, but it’s so pithy for me to flat out state that.  i think people can tell when they look at me at work and stuff.  i feel like my life is all about me doing things because i have to, because i have to be responsible.  everything is about “getting it over with” — not about enjoying it.

october of last year, 2011, i was dating someone pretty regularly for the first time in my life, and he was (and is) an alcoholic.  i remember i drank pretty much every day for several months.  i was a mess, but i was so caught up in this delusion with him.  i put a lot of effort into the relationship, everything was my input.  he gave nothing in return except for a few memories i really do cherish.  i was really sad and strange back then.  i didn’t realize it at the time.  i wish it never happened, i wish i never pursued him.  i was determined because he made it difficult.  back then it was fun and intriguing, now it’s repulsive to me and i really hate him.  he dropped me like i was nothing to him and he avoids me.  i feel stupid for believing this guy was worth anyone’s time, let alone mine.  he still lives here and has a pathetic job living with a roommate even though he’s in his thirties.  oh well, good for him i guess.  my purpose is not to build a relationship with a guy that is pathetic and emotionally absent.  no way.  of course.  i’m just glad i am confident with these notions — now more than ever.

i am not one of those “boy crazy” people to begin with.  i used to be.  but it was because i was trying to figure out how to go about delving into a successful, healthy homosexual relationship.  my whole life i’ve been so internal, so submersed in my own private world — a private world that is safe and familiar.  yet isolating and perpetually lonely.  it’s ultimately become a major part of my developed identity at 23.  i’ve accepted being single immensely, it’s almost a personal revolution for myself.

i’ve always struggled with self-confidence & always being self-conscious.  i’ve felt that stuff wither away and i’m glad for that.  i can now say: i am a catch.  there’s no “league” that i’m out of.  i hate the baseball game metaphor, but it’s true.  i’m damn lucky that i’m not gay and conventionally unattractive, because that would really give me something to complain about.  no, i like myself.  i like how i look.  i am comfortable with both.  i feel like i could have any fucking guy i wanted, but i don’t choose the easiness of that like a lot of shallow stupid people do.  i am also not selective to the point of stubborn or superior.  i am just open, available, unaffected by any negative perceptions.

my bedroom is my territory that serves as a sanctuary for me to be my pure self.  i don’t get to do that anywhere else.  i love having a queen-size bed.  at first it was weird having so much space, but now it’s just great.  i appreciate it.

i really hope i get tired soon… i still stay up late like a freshman in college or something.  i hope i connect with people on wordpress and start following me, etc.  so, yeah.  i will remain active with this and do as many updates as possible.  xx